Letting Go

I know the title of this one is almost overused, but it is fitting. As we are starting a new year, I am realizing the best way to get happy, and I mean truly happy, not the fake happy I have been putting off for years is to finally let go. I am a forgiving person, almost to a fault because I have forgiven people who others, even the most dedicated Christians question my ability to forgive, and that will not change! However, holding on after I have forgiven has been my sticking point. I was abused as a child, I have made my peace with my abuser but always held on to the questions what if and why me. When my son died, I held on to the anger at him for leaving and God for taking my child when so many worthless parents would have been happy to get rid of one of their children. I loved God, but the anger I had for Him did not go away, I felt foolish for hating a higher power, one I had not seen personally, and really can you forgive someone like God? When my mom died I was mad at her, for not taking better care of herself, for not getting help, but you have to forgive the dead right?, and she was my best friend. When my dad died and I watched an entire group of people attack me for my different religious beliefs, I forgave, I moved on but I questioned why they took so much pleasure in taking an inheritance that should have gone to my children and only adding to their own wealth, I forgave but I gained a hatred for a whole religious organization because of that. When my cousin died not only did I lose him but I also lost my family who turned against me for my religious convictions, at least that is why I think they turned on me, they never really told me :( I forgave them, counted it as their loss, but also held out hope that they would see the error of their choices and accept me once more...that was 8 years ago. I spent years angry at a church because they felt we were too young to take over what we sincerely felt was our calling, I looked on as the church fell apart and shook my head as I questioned the vote of the people, as they lost their marriages, their children went astray, businesses and jobs lost, did they ever question their decisions, did they forgive us for leaving, since I have fought so hard to move on since then. I have been in such a funk for so long, questioned why my, why the ones I love were taken, how to get past, how to move forward, all while saying I am a forgiving person. The truth lies not with the forgiveness, but with the holding on that came after the forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a step in the right direction, but if you do not let go it is like taking steps backwards on an escalator, you are moving but not going anywhere, instead you are fighting for every step. Now is my time to turn around, enjoy the ride until it is my time to step off to the next thing God has in store for me.

At the end of the day the best way to say it is LIFE happens, I am not the only one it happens to, I cannot change it, I cannot fix it...especially if it is caused by another person (because I can't fix stupid either). However, I can control one thing, myself. I can move on, I do not have to live with the hate, the questions, the hurt, any of it. I am not tied to my past, I am here and I am moving on. Yes it hurt, and I am sure many days, it still will, but I cannot let the hurt of yesterday steal the joy that lies ahead of me. So I am letting go. Loss hurts, but so does holding on to anger. I cannot stay angry because it is hurting me. I deserve better, and dwelling on the things we cannot change actually seems to make us fall into our own pits. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, even though it does not seem fair, I cannot take my anger of losing my son out on others. I was mad at mom for not taking care of herself but I have turned my emotional eating to get myself to the same place she was, but I am now focused on changing that and moving forward. Yes I was burned by a church, 2 to be exact, but at the end of the day God is in charge of the world, He supplies my needs and I may never have the huge house, or even my debts paid off, but I do have peace of mind. Not to mention we are supposed to give to others, greed is just as much as a sin! I do not doubt that the decision made at the other church was one the people made with a reason, but leaving God's will because of the choices of man is just as crazy. Being mad at God is also pointless, He made the world, He makes my world, and I know that He loves me, I also know He knows my heart so I can say that I was mad at God, but I also know He gave me a spirit of forgiveness, so I can forgive Him in my small existence because He first forgave me in all of His righteousness.

Now is the time to move forward, focus on today and the blessings it holds. I let go, the past is the past, can't be changed, just learned from.