Cutting Ties

After so many years of the go between trying to lose weight, new diets, exercise plans, failures, and feeling defeated, I went for the surgery I wanted for 10 years. On October 1,2020 I had the gastric sleeve done in Tijuana, Mexico. It was paid for out of pocket and at a fraction of the cost it would have been in the USA. In the midst of a pandemic I flew to San Diego, rode across the border, and had surgery in a country I do not speak the language of, in order to regain my life. Right before moving this summer I ended up in the hospital. I was having chest pains, could not breathe, and panicked. I woke Mike up in the early morning hours to take me to the ER because I was afraid to drive. After several hours and tests, my heart was fine, but when I weighed in my weight was 393 poinds, I was a mere 7 pounds from weighing 400 pounds. Now I by no means think less of people who weigh over 400 pounds, but it has been one of my biggest fears. Although they could not pinpoint why I felt so bad, of course watch weight, see your doctor were suggested follow up from the hospital, and we were about to move back to our hometown that had its own set of traumatic memories for me...let us not forget that we were also in the middle of a pandemic in one of the worst years we ever experienced, we had 4 kids at home and a grandson with a grandbaby due within the month, and were about to leave our jobs, friends, and the life we built the last 7 years. At that moment I knew something had to change. The move was horrific, I could not help, I could barely walk across the house without having to stop for breath. Could only unpack if I was in a chair because bending was hell. I wanted to die. Thankfully Mike was amazing and the kids helped a lot! We moved i, baby girl came into our lives 2 weeks after the move, we got settled into our new way of life, new jobs, and I still needed help. One day I realoized my credit score had gone up enought to get a loan for the surgery and I figured it was worth trying. On September 3rd I got approved! Then emailed the doctor and was approved for the surgery on September 11th. I talked to Mike over the weekend, seeing I did not tell him I was even thinking about it! When he said he was ok with whatever made me happy I called and confirmed it September 14th! I put the deposit down on the 15th and scheduled surgery just over 2 weeks later for October 1st. I was supposed to have a long weekend, but due to having to make up days from hurricanes that was canceled but I was not backing out of my surgery. The 16th I had my cheat meal before beginning my pre-op diet to help my liver before surgery. The 17th calories were cut, medications were stopped, and I was on my way. I weighed in that night at 386. My son was heading to Utah for college and we were already scheduled to bring him in a driving trip there so he did not have to ship his belongings. My youngest son was turning 18 and was already away at college and my grandson was turning 2 the day I was supposed to fly out. We had a family dinner party scheduled for the 18th to celebrate and I was on a no carb, low calorie diet! It was not that much fun but I knew the end result would be worth it. A road trip with a strict diet was also not as fun! I left home September 30th, I reconsidered my decision more of those flights than I think I had since I applied in the first place. I got to the hotel and my ideas of exploring and relaxing by the pool were sidetracked when I fell asleep at 6ish and woke up at 3am when I was dreaming that I ate something and they canceled my surgery. I missed the call from my coordinator and my family because my phone was dead! I charged my phone, panicked a bit...I also missed my chance for my last meal, even if it was liquids, before surgery. Once my phone had some juice I texted my family and sent an email to the coordinator telling her what happened and set my alarm for 5:30, since I had no idea what or when my coordinator would instruct me to do when she did call! I weighed in at the hospital that morning and was 358...I had lost almost 30 pounds on the pre-op diet alone. It helped the shakes were nasty and given that was what I had to eat, many days I skipped eating to avoid it, or only had a few sips so I did not get sick from them! October 1st was a whirlwind. My shuttle to the hospital arrived at 8am, I had to pack everything and bring it to the hospital with me and would not return to the hotel until a few days after surgery. I went in, did paperwork, had blood drawn, a chest x-ray, and waited. The coordinator came down, got me and took me to the floor where all the gastric patients are held and got me settled inmy room. A tour of doctors and nurses came in, most with very good English. IV was started, directions were given, I unpacked, changed into my hospital gown, and the waiting game began. By 1:30pm I was headed to the surgical floor. I was given meds and they had me move to the operating table. I was still tired from traveling and stress so the last thing I remember was the mask going on my face...no counting backwards or anything! I woke up about an hour later with the driest mouth I have ever remembered having! I was taken back to the room after the nurse let me suck on a damp papertowel when I begged because I thought I was going to die from the dehydration. That night and the next day were a blur. I slept a lot. I got up and walked a few times. Went to the bathroom, threw up, drank what they told me I had to, and slept, then slept more! I would wake up with these awful gas pains. At first I thought I was having a heart attack but they reassured me it was gas. I brought a heating pad that had to be warmed in the microwave. Thank goodness the nurses were awesome and would go downstairs and warm it up for me. After 3 days in the hospital I returned to the hotel for 2 more days before going back home. When I left the hotel I weighed in at 356. I was on a liquid diet of broth and popsicles with water as side! I came home and went back to work the next day! To Be Continued!

Letting Go

I know the title of this one is almost overused, but it is fitting. As we are starting a new year, I am realizing the best way to get happy, and I mean truly happy, not the fake happy I have been putting off for years is to finally let go. I am a forgiving person, almost to a fault because I have forgiven people who others, even the most dedicated Christians question my ability to forgive, and that will not change! However, holding on after I have forgiven has been my sticking point. I was abused as a child, I have made my peace with my abuser but always held on to the questions what if and why me. When my son died, I held on to the anger at him for leaving and God for taking my child when so many worthless parents would have been happy to get rid of one of their children. I loved God, but the anger I had for Him did not go away, I felt foolish for hating a higher power, one I had not seen personally, and really can you forgive someone like God? When my mom died I was mad at her, for not taking better care of herself, for not getting help, but you have to forgive the dead right?, and she was my best friend. When my dad died and I watched an entire group of people attack me for my different religious beliefs, I forgave, I moved on but I questioned why they took so much pleasure in taking an inheritance that should have gone to my children and only adding to their own wealth, I forgave but I gained a hatred for a whole religious organization because of that. When my cousin died not only did I lose him but I also lost my family who turned against me for my religious convictions, at least that is why I think they turned on me, they never really told me :( I forgave them, counted it as their loss, but also held out hope that they would see the error of their choices and accept me once more...that was 8 years ago. I spent years angry at a church because they felt we were too young to take over what we sincerely felt was our calling, I looked on as the church fell apart and shook my head as I questioned the vote of the people, as they lost their marriages, their children went astray, businesses and jobs lost, did they ever question their decisions, did they forgive us for leaving, since I have fought so hard to move on since then. I have been in such a funk for so long, questioned why my, why the ones I love were taken, how to get past, how to move forward, all while saying I am a forgiving person. The truth lies not with the forgiveness, but with the holding on that came after the forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a step in the right direction, but if you do not let go it is like taking steps backwards on an escalator, you are moving but not going anywhere, instead you are fighting for every step. Now is my time to turn around, enjoy the ride until it is my time to step off to the next thing God has in store for me.

At the end of the day the best way to say it is LIFE happens, I am not the only one it happens to, I cannot change it, I cannot fix it...especially if it is caused by another person (because I can't fix stupid either). However, I can control one thing, myself. I can move on, I do not have to live with the hate, the questions, the hurt, any of it. I am not tied to my past, I am here and I am moving on. Yes it hurt, and I am sure many days, it still will, but I cannot let the hurt of yesterday steal the joy that lies ahead of me. So I am letting go. Loss hurts, but so does holding on to anger. I cannot stay angry because it is hurting me. I deserve better, and dwelling on the things we cannot change actually seems to make us fall into our own pits. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, even though it does not seem fair, I cannot take my anger of losing my son out on others. I was mad at mom for not taking care of herself but I have turned my emotional eating to get myself to the same place she was, but I am now focused on changing that and moving forward. Yes I was burned by a church, 2 to be exact, but at the end of the day God is in charge of the world, He supplies my needs and I may never have the huge house, or even my debts paid off, but I do have peace of mind. Not to mention we are supposed to give to others, greed is just as much as a sin! I do not doubt that the decision made at the other church was one the people made with a reason, but leaving God's will because of the choices of man is just as crazy. Being mad at God is also pointless, He made the world, He makes my world, and I know that He loves me, I also know He knows my heart so I can say that I was mad at God, but I also know He gave me a spirit of forgiveness, so I can forgive Him in my small existence because He first forgave me in all of His righteousness.

Now is the time to move forward, focus on today and the blessings it holds. I let go, the past is the past, can't be changed, just learned from.

Happy New Year

Well, I wish I could say that 2013 was my year of change and that 2014 started off wonderfully, however that is not the truth. 2013 was a wild ride, we left our online work from home jobs to return to the classroom, moved for the third time in 3 years...to our 3rd state, our son had another major surgery, our daughter continued treatments for her autoimmune disease, and instead of the pounds shedding, they seemed to pile on, 20 pounds this year. When I started this blog I was at my highest weight...until now :( However, this is going to be a year of change, I am promising myself that this year, even if it did not start out how I had planned. I was grounded by a migraine and the medicine for the migraine left me with tummy troubles, and did not get rid of the migraine. However, I did make the most of the day, I got some work done so hopefully the next semester goes super smoothly, and spent the evening watching the latest season of The Walking Dead cuddled up to my hubby, making jokes about the commercials with the kids, and loving on our precious pit bull! So here is to a new year, changes, happiness, and health. It is a big one over here, my daughter turns 16 in Feb., we celebrate our 18th anniversary in July, I turn 35 in Nov., and our oldest turns 18 in Dec. So bring it on 2014, I hope you bring on some good things, this crummy stuff is killer!